The Imagined Drag Names of George Santos
It was comedian Michelle Wolf who, at the White House Correspondents' Dinner nearly five years ago, praised then-press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders for her resourcefulness. "She burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smokey eye," she joked. "Like, maybe she's born with it, maybe it's lies. It's probably lies."
If there's any current political figure who has told enough lies to shade in their eyelids with the soot of burned lies, it's embattled freshman congressman George Santos, a.k.a. Anthony Devolder, a.k.a. Kitara Ravache.
Santos' future as a congressman is still something of an unknown given investigations into his lies, finances, and even an alleged crime he committed years ago in Brazil. Regardless of what happens, Santos always has his drag queen roots to fall back on should times get tough.
But what should he call himself this time? Here are some suggestions.
Fatima Kumari
Although Santos claimed that his mother, Fatima Devolder, was working at the World Trade Center on 9/11 and survived the attacks, the truth is that she was living in Brazil at the time. What better way to honor his mother's fabricated history by rechristening himself Fatima Kumari, named after Meena Kumari's India's famed Tragedy Queen?
Cruella DeKill
In 2016, while using the name Anthony Devolder, Santos set up a GoFundMe page to help a veteran raise $3,000 so that he could keep his dog alive. Instead, Santos allegedly pocketed the money and the dog died. "The reports that I would let a dog die is shocking and insane," Santos insisted in a Twitter post. How else to honor his purported disregard for canine life than to name him after one of Disney's most notorious animal abusers?
Georgina der Schwindler
Not only did he claim that his grandparents fled Jewish persecution in Europe, but Santos has also referred to himself as "a proud American Jew." He later clarified his comments, stating that he never said he was Jewish, but rather "Jew-ish."
Miss Iggy Noramus
After initially claiming that he received a degree in economics and finance from CUNY's Baruch College, he later fessed up and admitted that he never graduated from college.
Anya Knees
Not only did he not graduate from college at all, but his lies went even further, claiming in 2020 that he went to Baruch on a volleyball scholarship. "We went to play against Harvard, Yale, and we slayed them," he said. "We were champions across the entire Northeast Corridor. Every school that came up against us, they were shaking at the time." He went even further to say that he sacrificed his knees for the sport and had to have a knee replacement as a result.
Goldlynn Slacks
While campaigning, he touted himself as a "seasoned Wall Street financier and investor," also claiming that he worked at Goldman Sachs and Citigroup. None of that turned out to be true, and despite claims that he was working his way "through the financial sector," an investigation revealed that he was working at a Dish Network call center in Queens.
Evicta Peron
According to Santos, he owned 13 rental properties where tenants had fallen behind on their rent. In reality, Santos has never owned property and had himself been evicted at least three times from apartments in Queens.
Senhora Justa Flu
During the height of the pandemic, Santos claimed he had a brain tumor and bragged about his ability to recover from COVID despite his weakened immune system from said cancer. He touted this fictional cancer diagnosis in order to — in true Republican fashion — downplay the severity of COVID.
Kitty Kommittee
The news broke today that Santos would be stepping aside from his two committee assignments, which seem to have complicated GOP-led efforts to remove democrat Ilhan Omar from one of her committee assignments. He had been serving on the Committee on Science, Space, and Technology and the Committee on Small Business.
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